I have a confession…I have very complicated feelings about Mother's Day.
Yes, I do think it's important to honor those who have helped bring life into this world. Mothers matter, and singing their praises is a noble endeavor, but Mother's Day is tough. It sets up a lot of expectations that often can't be met. It focuses primarily on one kind of mothering role but there are many in this complicated world we live in. It also can be really hard for the countless women who have suffered losses, miscarriages, infertility, and more.
On top of all of that, Mother's Day is tough for our partners. They know they are supposed to do something for us, but let's be real: they often struggle to understand what we need. Not to mention the Mom's often are still the ones that feel the pressure to buy gifts or plan outings for their Mom, Aunts, Sisters, Mother-in-Law, friends, and more. I've noticed that all I want for most holidays is the day after the holiday because Mom's holidays often look like a ramped-up workday for us. We are hosting, cooking, cleaning, planning, wrapping, and more.
So I am here to help clue you in partners, spouses, kids, and loved ones to what Mom wants by sharing what we really, really don't want.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/andresr
1. We Don't Want to Plan The Day
I love hosting! It's one of my gifts, creating space and time for people I love, but it's work. The last thing we moms want to do is work on our special day. Please do not let us plan a Mother's Day outing, brunch, meal, or anything else that seems good at the moment but equals extra prep and stress for us. Feel free to do any of those things, but others should entirely plan them!
2. We Don't Want Grandparents to Steal the Show
Grandmas are the best! I love my Mom and my Mother-in-law wholeheartedly, but in this Momming era that I am in, I selfishly want the day to be about me! We moms with full houses, full hands, and full hearts are just wading through the thick of this Mom thing. I know I will forever love my kids but I will not forever be changing their diapers, grading their papers, stopping their arguments, and planning their meals. While I'm in charge of almost everything pertaining to their well-being, I think I deserve to have a day centered on acknowledging my efforts.
So find a way to honor the grandparents in a special way around Mother's Day, but make the day about Mom—the one running the show right now in your home.
3. We Don't Want to Wake Up Early
For the love, let us sleep in. Mother's Day may quite literally be the ONLY day of the year, besides maybe our birthdays, if they happen to be on the weekend, that we can request to SLEEP a little longer. We need sleep. We have given up so many hours of sleep once we became a Mom. The best gift you can give us is peace, quiet, rest, and some extra snuggly hours in our bed at morning time. Don't come in and jump on us. Don't knock on the door to ask us questions. Don't let us know about what's on your mind. Just let us rest uninterrupted until we self-select to lazily get out of bed and join the chaos once again.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/skynesher
4. We Don't Want a Random Gift
Please, please ask us what we want or think deeply about who we are and get us something we will enjoy. It can be simple. Most of us love creature comforts like chocolate, coffee, tea, candles, or cozy things. Women are really quite simple. What we don't want is something overly practical or something that we won't use.
If you are unsure, ask us. We probably have a secret running list of things we'd enjoy but don't want to spend money on or give us a budget and give us time to go shop for ourselves. That's a double gift!
5. We Don't Want to Care for the Kids
I know Mother's Day is about celebrating the joy of motherhood, but most of us moms want a break from the daily hands-on work of caring for our kids on this special day. This day is a rare invitation to rest and recharge. Make sure you ask us how that can best be accomplished. Give us the guilt-free space we very infrequently receive to invest in doing something we enjoy just for ourselves. Maybe it's going to a movie, taking a hike, free time at the gym, a pedicure, time to read a book, a meet up with someone special, or whatever else helps to fill our cup so that we can show up everyday as moms with grace and love.
6. We Don't Want You to Overlook Those Who May Be Suffering This Mother's Day
I'm so thankful that in recent years, I've seen more churches expand how they engage with this day. For many, it can be a hard day of the year due to loss, infertility, and other tough circumstances. We appreciate the appreciation, but we don't want it to be at the expense of the hopeful Mom who has endured infertility, the Mom who lost a child or has a child who is estranged, or the woman who just lost her Mom. What about the birth moms grieving not being able to raise their biological child and all the other kinds of moms that may not feel seen on this day?
We appreciate a wide celebration that is sensitive to the ways motherhood brings us joy but also understands that moms lives are full of sorrows, too. Be careful to help people around you feel seen and loved.
Most of all, make this day one of creative expression of love for the women who make life happen in your home. We often battle exhaustion, anxiety, and uncertainty and do most of this while being unseen by our people. Let this day be a moment where we all take time to see Mom and tell her she is loved.
Related Resource: When Mother's Day Is Painful
This episode of Faith Over Fear is for everyone who feels the ache of longing for a loving and nurturing mother but, for your mental health and healing, have had to create firm boundaries with your mother, potentially even eliminating contact with her entirely. No one makes this decision lightly or without pain.
Originally published Friday, 10 May 2024.