5 Ways to Win People Rather Than Arguments

When we try to argue with people over theology or the gospel, we automatically put people on the defensive. They lock in on their position, and the debate begins. This, however, is not an effective method of evangelism. 

Jesus invited us to not only “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” but also to “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37,39). If we don’t love people first we cannot share the gospel effectively. Jesus Himself, modeled this by having dinner with tax collectors, and other sinners (Matthew 9:10-13, Luke 5:29-39). He attended weddings (John 2:1-12) and had conversations with seekers and doubters alike (John 3:1-15, John 4:1-26). In fact, the only people we see Him sparring with were the Pharisees and Sadducees, who were the religious leaders of the day. 

In our day of increasing polarization, we do well to follow Jesus’s example. We do this by being the best neighbors we can be, loving others well, listening, entertaining their questions, and allowing them to process their faith journeys without judgment. As we allow them to ask questions and we answer gently,  the Holy Spirit is more than willing to lead them to embrace Jesus. We can’t preach the gospel effectively without loving people well. 

Even the Apostle Paul wrote that we are not to participate in foolish arguments or debates (2 Timothy 2:23). Paul’s meaning is clear. We are to avoid arguing people into the kingdom. First of all, it’s ineffective, and second of all, it’s not our job to persuade people of the gospel. That’s the Holy Spirit’s job. Instead, we are to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with love and trust the results of the Holy Spirit. He is the One who draws people to Himself.

How, then, do we win people for Christ without persuasive arguing? Here are five ways:

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We live in a culture that has forgotten how to be good neighbors. As believers, we should be the best neighbors on the block. Jesus said that after the first commandment to love God the second is as important, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39).  Part of loving our neighbor is offering hospitality. When we invite others into our home, we open the opportunity to extend the love of Christ in a tangible way.  As folks sit around our dinner table sharing a meal or visiting over coffee, they can see what’s important to us. One of my friends, has invited her neighbors in for dinner and game nights. As her neighbors have gotten to know her, they are intrigued by her faith. They’ve begun asking questions and their questions have given her the opportunity to share the gospel in a  non-threatening way. Another friend has invited some of her neighbors to study a Christian book on anxiety. As they’ve studied they’ve become more interested in Jesus and several have turned to Him as Savior. As author Rosaria Butterfield writes, “The gospel comes with a house key.” What if we took seriously the Biblical instruction to offer hospitality without grumbling? I wonder if people would come to Christ more easily.

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Theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote, “Christians have forgotten that the ministry of listening has been committed to them by Him who is Himself the great listener and whose work they should share. We should listen with the ears of God that we may speak the Word of God” (Life Together, 98-99). If we don’t become active listeners, we really can’t share the gospel.  Instead of always talking, make it your goal to listen and take an interest in those around you. Stay curious and ask questions. Find common ground. Perhaps common ground for you is love for pets. Or maybe common ground for you is the sports you kids are in. Start with common ground and make it your goal to listen well to understand the other person.  If you follow Jesus’ ministry, He did this.  He used farming illustrations when talking with the crowd because many were farmers (Matthew 13:1-23).  He told the disciples after seeing them fish that He would make them fishers of men (Matthew 4:9). He also asked profound questions. “Do you want to get well?” (John 5:6). “What do you want me to do for you? (Mark 10:51). As we listen for common ground and ask questions, we make people feel seen and heard. Honestly, if you’re not listening, telling others the gospel will not win many.

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We build bridges when we offer understanding. Validate feelings. When people feel understood, they become far more open to the love of Christ. You don’t have to validate their truth, but you can seek to validate what they are feeling. If they have felt rejected, or misunderstood, at least acknowledge that their feelings make sense to you. When they feel judged or misunderstood, defensiveness will rise and they will be unwilling to hear that Jesus loves them. If they feel like their feelings make sense, they will be more wiling to hear how deeply God loves them. The truth is God loves them and is for them, and will continually pursue them even if they disagree with Him. He is the One who leaves the 99 and searches for the one (Luke 15:3-6).

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The woman at the well is a great example of this. We find the story recorded in John 4. Jesus met her at the well where she was alone drawing water. She was shocked that Jesus would talk with her because she was a Samaritan and yet, Jesus opened a conversation with her. He gently asked her leading questions, and allowed her the space to share her thoughts. At one point, she confessed that she didn’t have a husband. Jesus responded, “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband” (John 4:17-18). After the woman concludes he is a prophet, she goes on to say that she know some day the Messiah will come. At that point, Jesus identifies Himself as the Messiah for whom she has been waiting (John 4:26). The woman got so excited she left her water jar and ran to tell everyone in her village to come meet the man who told her everything she ever did. Posing the question, “Could this be the Messiah?” (John 4:29). Later in the chapter, we discover that many in her town believed because of her testimony. Tucked within this story is the message that your story matters. One of the most effective evangelism tactics is sharing how you came to Christ and how He has changed your life.

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Nothing opens a person to Jesus and His love like a crisis. At times, it is when everything falls apart that people become desperate for Jesus.  As believers, we are to be known for our love. Jesus said, “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35). When your neighbor is dying of cancer, bring a meal. When their kids are in crisis, show up with understanding.  If there’s been a school shooting, the teachers are traumatized. Show up with coffee or baked goods and let them know you are praying for them. People need to know that they are not alone. When there’s a natural disaster like a hurricane, earthquake, or wildfire, show up and ask how you can help. Ask the Holy Spirit to fill your mind with tangible ways to love people.

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The Power of Prayer Over All Our Efforts

Above all these five tangible ways is the power of prayer. Often, we forget that we are in a spiritual battle against the ruler of darkness.  Learning to pray for people needs to become a regular and consistent practice in our lives. Learn to live life on two levels. On one level, you are inviting people into your home for dinner and listening to them but on another level you are carrying on a continual conversation with the Holy Spirit, asking Him to soften their hearts and to fill you with wisdom. On one level, you might be bringing a meal to a neighbor, but on another level you are interceding on their behalf praying that they would know how high and deep and wide is the love of Christ for them. That they might know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:18-19). As you learn to live life on two levels, you will be more in tune with the Holy Spirit and He will direct your efforts to lead people to Christ. He will show you when and how to speak so that others feel Christ’s love and don’t feel like you are arguing with them.

Arguing is not going to go away any time soon. People will argue over politics, parenting strategies, and possible work solutions. However, debating to lead someone to Christ is not effective. Instead of being pulled into an argument, learn to love people well. Prioritize hospitality, listening, offering understanding, sharing your story, and showing up in a crisis. As you do these, lean into the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. Pray over each encounter and trust that God is pursuing the hearts of those you want to win.  

Lord Jesus, as I seek to share your gospel of love with others, help me to not get pulled into arguments. I pray that you would show me how to love others well so that they are drawn to You. Fill me with wisdom for every encounter I pray and may the love of Christ flow out of my heart unhindered.

Sources Cited:
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together (New York: Harper &Row, 1954), 98-99.

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